Funny Status Updates

• decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
• One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
• When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
• I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
• sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
• X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
• X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
• What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
• slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
• wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
• X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
• People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
• Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
• ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
• Dear Santa, let me explain…
• I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
• My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
• If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
• Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
• Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
• Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
• Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
• ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
• _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
• if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
• scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
• ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
• Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
• The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
• Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
• i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
• Cut here —————–✄———————-
• Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
• I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
• People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
• Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
• Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
• Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
• Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
• So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
• X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
• Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
• You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
• Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
• I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
• Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
• I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
• X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
• Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
• what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
• I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
• press the star below and watch it glow 
• ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
• I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
• Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
• X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
• Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
• I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
• X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
• X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
• ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
• wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
• X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
• Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
• If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
• eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
• I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
• a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
• ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
• too cool for school.
• trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
• the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
• –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
• definitely not watching what not to wear.
• forcing my dog to learn how to google.
• kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
• Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
• X is Loading ████████████ 99%
• Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
• U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
• X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
• Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
• I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
• In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
• X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
• never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
• a day late and a dollar short.
• Insert coin to view my status message.
• If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
• We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
• happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
• seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
• remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
• > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
• 20/20 hearing!

love status updates

‎1)"It is said that if u close

ur eyes, u see d person u love d most& when i do that,............SlideShow begins..

2)Everyone forget everyone when they have someone with them andEveryone remember everyone when they have no one with them....!!

3)When we got enough confidence, The stage was gon...........when we were sure of losing ,we won........"when we needed people the most, thay left us" when we learned to dry our tears ,we found a shoulder to cry on........when WE mastered the skill of hating ,somebody started loving us........"THATS LIFE !".


4)If u c me smilin, itz nt coz i 4gt yu... itz coz i got tired f cryn fuh yu.......... .. ..... if u c me livin again, itz nt coz i hav moved n... itz coz i hate d fact dat u can live widout me........ .. ..... so if i fall n luv wid sum1 els, itz nt coz i want to... itz coz u wer nt der to stop me.....


5)Its ur luck to LOVE someone............ Its ur fortune to Love the one who LOVES U........... But Its a MIRACLE to LOVE a person who cant love anyone except " YOU."....

College status updates

1) I don`t break the rules. I merely test their elasticity
2)Dear teacher, I talk no matter where I am. Moving my seat will not help, in fact it will only make me talk more.
 3) "Your future depends on your dreams"... So....... GO TO SLEEP.
4) [w]onderful. [e]xiting. [i]ndependent. [r]eal. [d]ifferent. LIKE If you`re weird. :`)
5) If you like water than you already like 72% of me. :)
6) I am 100% sure you are reading my status right now
7) Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. :)
8) I`m not short, gravity just really likes me.
9) My first facebook status in 2013 will be `is anyone alive?`
10) Awesome ends with "Me" and Ugly starts with "U"
11) Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you`re a pirate.
12) Passing gum in school like its a drug deal.
13) Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. Love, WikiLeaks
14) A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " i said " i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!!"
15) Is it strange if I ask my ex if I could use her as a reference on my resume for a new girlfriend?
16) Einstein: Genius mind. Galileo: Great mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: NEVERMIND.
17) Elementary School- *crying* I DIDN`T DO MY HOMEWORK!!! .. Middle School- I didn`t do it... .. High School- We had homework?
18) Why are you talking during my lesson?" ... "Why are you teaching during my conversation?"
19) I Love It when I guess a answer in the Exam and get it right :)
20) Math was SO much easier when i was a little kid!
21) The Longest 5 Mins. in the World is The Last 5 mins. of a LECTURE!!! While The Shortest 5 Mins. is The Last 5 mins. of an EXAM!!!
22) Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn`t find anyone to copy it from!
23) Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.
24) I hate when teachers say "So everyone`s talking, you all must be done!"
25) Google, copy, paste, Assignment finished! :)
26) Teacher: "I`m gonna call ur mom!"
Elementary: NO! I`ll stop! ..
Middle School:uh whatever *worries in head*
High School: TELL HER I SAID HI!
27) Dear Maths – I Don’t Want to Solve Your Problem, I Have My Own Problems To Solve  
28) If I were C6 and you were H12, then all we would need is the air we breathe to be sweeter than sugar. Jul 15, 2009
 29) Newton's law of motion : Loose motion can never be done in slow motion
30)A 5th standard kid wrote in his maths answr sheet:
Dear Math,
I'm sick & tired of finding ur 'x'
Jst accpt d fact dat she's gone!
Move On dude!


31)Dont u find it Funny dat after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T) the 


rest of the Week says WTF?